Æsc and Œthel

Zombies – Solution to the global warming crisis

Too much carbon. That's the problem with the world today - and when that Carbon turns into carbon-dioxide then we're in real trouble.

According to accepted Scientists (that would be all those who believe that Global Warming is ALL OUR FAULT! - Anyone else just isn't acceptable.) temperatures over the next decade could rise to 75 degrees centigrade in the middle of winter IF you use a patio heater at your next barbecue.

Unfortunately even if you don't use a patio heater the future will still be noticeably grim unless we drastically cut down ALL carbon emissions. As humans are able to grow in population more than any other mammal on the planet, and as we have quite large lungs, and as those lungs spend most of their time converting oxygen into carbon-dioxide the solution to all your global warming problems is clear. STOP BREATHING!!!!
Unfortunately if you stop breathing then you will invariably die and your body will decompose releasing carbon-dioxide and methane. Although this tends to be a one-off occurrence it will still have a negative impact on the global carbon footprint. So what are we to do?

Perhaps you know a mad scientist who mistakenly thinks he has produced a formula to 'enhance' mankind. Know of a virus-carrying spaceship? Been in contact with green-glowing nuclear waste? Do you know, or have you ever had contact with, a Witchdoctor? Or perhaps you even know a Zombie who is willing to bite people? If so you could help SAVE THE PLANET!!!

By utilising a "you bite my friend I bite yours" pyramid scheme infection could quickly be spread. Current calculations suggest that under this scheme the entire human population of the planet could be converted into a Zombie horde in just ten years. If world governments take responsibility for the situation we find ourselves in and place a ban on shotguns, machetes, swords and sports equipment (such as cricket bats, baseball bats etc), chainsaws and hedge trimmers then those who are opposed to our scheme will soon be converted meaning that our program would only take five years.

WHY ZOMBIES??

  1. Decomposition:
    The undead have a slower rate of decomposition than the dead. This means that the planet will be better able to cope with the slower rate of carbon release
  2. No breath:
    It is a common misconception that Zombies must breathe to create the moaning noise that they do. Technically this is true but as their lungs are no longer alive there is no conversion of any gasses. A zombie's lungs are more like a pair of bellows and, apart from a small amount of gases produced by slow decomposition lending a fetid stench to their 'breath', the air comes out out pretty much the same as it goes in.
  3. Recycling:
    Those humans who do not survive the Zombification process are generally eaten by the others. This will prevent any waste or fast decomposition.
  4. Lack of Offspring:
    As the only form of 'reproduction' available to a Zombie is to bite a human this will prevent any problems with world overpopulationl. In fact it will eventually lead to a permanent solution of this problem.

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP

  1. Find a Zombifier. Vectors via which normal people can become Zombies are listed above. If you know of a method not mentioned above then please let us know.
  2. Become a zombie. It's a slower, more relaxing state of being - you can make new friends and there's always a meal at hand (sometimes the two are the same thing!)
  3. Offset any final carbon you have by paying me. If you provide enough of the right kind of payment I will plant watercress on your behalf.


    WHAT TYPE OF PAYMENT DO YOU ACCEPT

    Prior to world Zombification I accept:

  • Any form of cash. I accept hard cash, cheques and Paypal payments.
  • Gold Bars
  • Computer Equipment
  • Drums and percussion equipment
  • Kebabs

After world Zombification has begun I will accept:

  • Canned goods
  • Shotgun shells
  • Sturdy wood suitable for barricades
  • 1 Female companion (non-zombie - must have own teeth)
  • Firelighters
  • Petrol
  • Rags
  • Arrows
    My new address after the program has begun will be:
    The New World Order
    Winchester Pub
    5 Shotgun Alley
    rest of address provided on a need-to-know basis. 

    Brought to you by the "Theworldsgoingdowninflamesanditsallourfault.com" - probably.

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